Provocare Coaching

Every human being has a way of coping with stress, traumas, mental ill health, and negative beliefs. Unfortunately, sometimes those coping mechanisms turn into unhelpful, self-harming behaviours and problematic patterns of thinking that require interventions.

Examples of unhealthy beliefs or behaviours that caseworkers may want to challenge include: believing one is not deserving of love, respect, or care; blaming oneself for experiences beyond their control; avoiding taking responsibility for one’s behaviour and decisions; excessive rumination on negative thoughts and feelings;

Awlay blames others when relationships become strained, resorting to complaining rather than constructive dialogue, seeing everything through a negative or ill-intent lens, engaging in high-risk behaviour, and denying the consequences.

As case workers, managers, coaches, or even friends, we can provide the proper support and equip people with the right skills to navigate through the thick mist of pain and denial and reach a healthier state of mind.

However, it is essential to differentiate between challenging harmful beliefs and gaslighting, as the latter is highly manipulative and detrimental. I

n this blog post, we’ll dive deep into what gaslighting is, how it’s different from positively challenging harmful beliefs, and offer tips for best practices in dealing with your patients.

Gaslighting VS Challenging Harmful Beliefs

First, let’s define what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes victims doubt their sanity, question their judgment, and subtly manipulate their reality. It is a tool often used by abusers to gain control, and it’s often hard to detect because it’s achieved through subtle forms of coercion, guilt, and self-doubt.

On the other hand, when you positively question harmful beliefs and assumptions, you engage in a conversation that unpacks negative thinking patterns in a respectful and non-threatening way. When done right, challenging beliefs can be a transformative experience that encourages people to reframe their negative experiences in a more positive light.

To distinguish between the two, you should remember that gaslighting is about gaining power over the victim, while challenging beliefs can provide a safe space and opportunity for people to self-empower, reflect, learn and grow from their experiences.

Examples of gaslighting

For example, gaslighting can involve deliberately denying the truth of a situation, telling someone that what they experienced never happened or twisting their words to make them doubt their own memory. On the other hand, challenging beliefs involves helping a person recognise and understand why certain patterns of thought are unhealthy or misguided while also offering alternatives and solutions.

In saying that, it is also true that misunderstanding, misperception, and false, distorted memories can cause much conflict.

As another example, gaslighting can involve intentionally belittling a person’s feelings and experiences by telling them their worries or concerns are unfounded.

On the other hand, challenging beliefs consists in validating their feelings and understanding why such fears exist while gently guiding them to reflect on alternative ways of thinking.

How do we respond?

So, how can you best practice dealing with people with harmful ideas?

Firstly, it’s vital to help people feel safe and validated even when you disagree with their views. Create a safe space, listen to their story and assure them you believe they feel that way. This validation is essential to making progress.

Don’t brush it under the carpet.

Ignoring the elephant in the room can lead to further issues down the line. Unchecked negative thought patterns and behaviours can compound over time, leading to emotional turmoil or self-destructive behaviour. Challenging such thoughts and behaviours provides a healthy alternative that may lead to more positive outcomes.

Assuming the person is not toxic, you can then offer your perspective and try empathising with what they’re going through. In other words, you must try to see things from their perspective and never invalidate their feelings.

It’s also essential to remember that you cannot force people to change their views; however, you can help encourage them to develop a more positive perspective. These are long-term goals, and progress is slow and gradual. Be patient.

If the person exhibits toxic or highly emotive behaviour, it’s best to remove yourself from the situation and leave to those better equipped. Make sure you take care of your mental health first and foremost. You can offer help if appropriate but don’t feel compelled if they are not ready or open to change.

Sometimes the hardest yet best response is no response and letting time do its thing.

Positively challenging

An example of positively challenging an unhealthy belief is helping people reframe negative thoughts into more positive ones. For instance, if someone believes they are incapable of achieving something, you could help them recognise that they have the skills and abilities needed to succeed by assisting them to focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses. Additionally, you could provide resources to help them take the necessary steps towards achieving their goals.

An example of positively challenging unhealthy behaviour would be approaching a situation with a compassionate attitude rather than a reactive one.

For instance, if someone is engaging in self-sabotaging behaviour, you could ask them to take a step back and reflect on why they are doing this, what triggers the behaviour, and how it affects them and others.

Motivational Interviewing (MI) is an evidence-based approach to working with people that seeks to encourage and sustain behavioural change. It can be used in various settings, including health, social work, education, and criminal justice. Exploring training in this practice is worthwhile if you find yourself training in it.

Examples of techniques include:

* Open questions – Inviting open-ended questions such as

‘What are your thoughts about X?’ and ‘How would you like things to be different?’

* Reflection – Reflecting on the person’s own words to them to help them gain clarity and insight. For example, “It sounds like you feel helpless about this situation”.

* Affirmation – Acknowledging the person’s strengths, skills, and values. For example, “I can see you have been working hard to make these changes.”

By encouraging self-awareness and offering support, MI helps people make healthier, more positive changes.

Empathy and understanding are essential when dealing with people with harmful beliefs while providing a safe space that encourages growth. It is an ongoing dialogue and mutual respect process that takes time and patience.

By using MI techniques such as these, you can help people with harmful beliefs or behaviour gain awareness of their situation and internal resources to build a healthier thinking framework.

 It’s not easy

It can be difficult to challenge someone’s beliefs, especially if you do not agree with them. It is important to remember that it is ok to be uncomfortable in such situations and that challenging assumptions do not mean invalidating the person or their feelings.

When challenging someone’s beliefs or perspectives,  remaining authentic, respectful and open-minded is important.  It’s also ok to say I don’t know; this is bigger than my skill set or experience, but suggest whom they could get support from.

How do you know when you are being gaslighted versus someone genuinely and objectively giving you a different perspective?

Distinguishing can be challenging, especially if you are already emotive and stressed.

If someone’s words and actions make you feel invalidated, unheard, or misunderstood, they are likely gaslighting you.

On the other hand, if the person is validating your emotions while still respectfully challenging your beliefs, then it could be a healthy discourse; reflecting on motivation is vital in such conversations.

If they are gaslighting you, setting boundaries and respectfully communicating your feelings is essential. Remember, it is possible; they are not.

So be willing to listen and reflect; not everyone is coming from a place of ill intent; in fact, surrounding yourself with trusted and wiser people who can respectfully be your devil’s advocate, present alternative thinking, and debate ideas can significantly help you develop and open us to new pathways and ideas.

Either way, it is crucial to take a step back and remember that you ultimately control your beliefs, responses, and actions.

Challenging unhealthy beliefs or being challenged can be hard, yakka, and emotionally draining, but with patience, empathy, and open-mindedness can also be an enriching experience for all parties.

In conclusion, as case workers or as a friend, it is essential to differentiate between positively challenging harmful beliefs and gaslighting. Gaslighting is manipulative and toxic and should never be part of your interventions. Positively challenging questioning beliefs and assumptions can be transformational experiences that allow us to learn and grow.

Always validate, empathise, and be patient but don’t shy from questioning and challenging unhealthy assumptions.